You’re a former one-term president who’s been indicted by diverse federal and state prosecutors for — ah, let’s see — inciting an insurrection at the Capitol, or perhaps stealing classified documents, or maybe attempting to subvert an election, or possibly paying off a porn star, or perchance falsifying business records, or mayhap sexually attacking a female journalist, or all of them? So, what do you do?
Here’s a modest proposal in seven obvious steps:
- Be smart enough to inherit $413 million from your father; this is key.
- Announce, “I am a very innocent man.” Swear that “she is not my type.” Insist all the charges are “fake news.” Point out that the judges, judges’ staff, judges’ families, prosecutors, entire jury pools, and the media are corrupt and/or vindictive and/or racially prejudiced and/or “socialist lunatics.”
- Engage a troupe of incompetent attorneys to blame after you’re convicted.
- Run again for president of the United States so you can declare — however implausibly — that your sundry prosecutions constitute “election interference.”
- Establish a political action committee to convert contributions from loyal members of your political base into payments for your pricey legal defense; hawk bits of your clothing.
- After you’ve been duly convicted of 34 business fraud felonies and sexual assault and libel and assessed millions in damages and fined millions more, and you still face several other serious indictments and trials, instruct your lawyers to file appeal after appeal after appeal to delay, delay, delay, and delay.
- To divert the voting public’s attention from your status as a convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, serial fabulist, and defective candidate, accuse certain Ohio residents of “eating the dogs,” “eating the cats,” and “eating the pets” and declare, “if I don’t win this election, the Jewish people will really have a lot to do with that loss.”
Follow these steps to avoid prison and — believe it or not — possibly return to the Oval Office.
Barbara in den Bosch says
Good summary! Unbelievable that he can get by with so much!
Timothy Leland, Boston, MA says
Mr. Whitman’s recommendation of seven obvious steps to avoid prison for a passel of crimes by “a former one-time President” is hilarious. The possible result of his advice to the criminal, unfortunately, is also sadly possible.
Gren Whitman says
As an addendum, here’s a wickedly funny comment from Robert Reich on Trump overall:
If Trump had simply invested his multimillion-dollar inheritance in an index fund and not touched it, he’d be a lot richer than he is now. Think about that. His entire life’s work has been less successful than if he’d done nothing.
John Smith says
Wow!! Probably a terminal case of TDS. Check in again on November 6. Actually it’s once again a choice…either the candidate you describe with a proven record of accomplishments or candidate who’s accomplished nothing and a vice presidential candidate who’s a proven liar and has jumped in with both feet into stolen valor territory.